Thursday, January 1, 2009


when ever i have a good dream or thought for the future, it seems to replace a good memory of something that happened before in actuality. I get these fake ideas and real experiences mixed up sometimes when i try to recall the past.
i run on something i call dreampower which is getting excited about imaginings of things to come -- combined with the fufillment of dreams and ideas i had previously.

for example:
when i lived in montreal, sometimes i would wake up one morning, and leave the apartment to take the metro somewhere i'd never been before and then see a giant church and see the doors were open so i would explore. this whole time, anticipating the situation to be something amazing, like in a movie. maybe meeting a whoopi goldberg nun serving coffee at a support group meeting in the basement, where they'd accept me in and i'd meet someone amazing and unique.

dreampower is a good skill to develop, but it's very easy to lose when you realize that your reality is more of the same, the same the same and it becomes discouraging to try and unearth something new in it.
i accepted my situation living in victoria because i had no other choice at the time. because of this = i dont get excited about new things, and i don't have the energy to create constant day to day dreams or aspirations. i stopped believing in the magic of going out and letting things happen and make themselves new
because everyone stays inside, works or socializes in very controlled settings (the club or shows).
where can i go without having to spend money
or pretend like i care about grooming myself so people will think they should respect me more then an ugly person?

seriously though
i'm just worried that i don't really talk to anyone anymore
i've become too anti-social

i don't think about people i thought i cared about anymore
i only think about dreams when i'm happy
and murphy's law when i'm not happy

getting excited about the future is hard, when none of the things i got excited about in the past are working out.

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