so many tears

we all have our faults

i want to destroy them

hilarious

ahhh what a sunday of such clarity

a very meow-orable time in my life

i found this in my old computer files.




in 2003 i was in the halifax paper. i was first in line for cats the musical.
back then i was still a pretty sheltered christian kid. high school was pretty fun those days. i remember really looking forward to seeing cats in halifax. i skipped class half-way through the afternoon to take the bus over there and be in line. i got there too early and i think I got tim hortons on barrington st.
man so lame

i made a new painting

from a to zinc

just starting taking centrum COMPLETE COVERAGE every day
i'm covered with my vitamins. I don't know how healthy this is.
For a while I was eating a spartan apple, bolthouse farms smoothie, some sort of health protien bar, and hard boiled eggs. plus some sort of deli sandwich.
i wasn't drinking enough water.
because when i'd come home my muscles were so tense and sore it was like i was 70 years old trying to lift myself out of a chair or something... SERIOUSLY. this really worries me.
it still is a bit of a problem.. I have hardly any flexibility. maybe it's because I lost so much weight in such a short time & in such an unhealthy way (not eating).

anyway, not being able to move properly or walk without limping was scaring me because I don't have health care yet, and there are no doctors in victoria. plus having to work everyday and commute to suburbia to serve coffee to rich mommies wasn't helping.

how is someone supposed to make friends if they can't walk properly or get into a car without wincing etc etc etc
not very easy to laugh at myself
locked inside my head for a while

i'm glad this is clearing up
i guess i just needed to eat more of something because i felt all withered and dried up

i wanted to go to the gym for a while
i spend a lot of my day people watching and there are so many attractive fitnessy/jock uvic boys running around safeway laughing carefree with their friends
while i go home on the bus walking home limping shivering back to my apartment to sleep on a springy hard mattress that i can hardly get up out of in the morning.

at least i'm getting enough sleep
and i stopped smoking
and i don't feel like my head is a big weight of lead
and i don't grind my teeth nervously as much

learn to let go of yourself
the nag that tells you to keep believing negativity
for any reason

and try to love people
everyone wants to be loved

mysteries of life

here's some old photos I found while browsing my flickr site.

NEARandFARCLOSERtogether

music from the 90s really speaks to me. When life was hard and you just had to write a confessional honest pop song about it. If I had a TV I could just turn on MusicMoreMusic, but I don't have it. DAMMMN. Here's some of my favorites!!!!!!

I LOVE U ALWAYS FOREVER


LIKE THE DESERTS MISS THE RAIN


I WANT SOMETHING ELSE TO GET ME THROUGH THIS


MY MONEYS RIDING ON THIS DARK HORSE BABY


I RECOMMEND GETTING YR <3 TRAMPLED ON BY ANYONE


U WERE FASHIONABLY SENSITIVE BUT TOO COOL TO CARE

homey

Home of Joe & Natalie Bailey. 123 Hancock St., Bedford-Stuyvesant, Brooklyn. February 18, 1978.

nothing going on

only one option
work steady
sleep too much
try to be happy

all i need is a miracle

anyone want some clothes???

i don't want to throw them in the garbage
they need a good home

they have all been thrifted in either vernon or victoria in british columbia. or in montreal.
most of them are sized small.
i'll want to give them away/sell them for whatever you want to give me

if you want more info about it email me sudden (dot) organ (at) gmail (dot) com.

grey cable knit collared sweater bought at a church garage sale. it has a small pocket.


bright red 90s "northern reflections" t-shirt. size small. blue and white graphic of mother duck and her ducklings.


totally insane early 90s tourist florida vacation shirt. tie-dyed palm leaf patterns. purple with various neon colors. unusually large knit collar.


80s black AIR Nike shirt. size small.


light blue t-shirt with repeating dog graphics. for a dog show in washington feat. text in helvetica (?)


turquoise/teal ralph lauren polo with colored ralph lauren decal (as opposed to just a plain black one)


80s heather grey sweatshirt. plain no logos. probably womens. sized VERY small.


90s white club monaco sweatshirt. snazzy v-stitching at neck. small black club monaco logo. will remind you of your older sister in the 90s for sure.


VERY x-small dark blue knit sweater with rainbow graphic.


small black members only jacket. nylon. zipper is broken. (WHO NEEDS ONE WHEN YOU CAN LOOK THIS COOL CIRCA 2004)


medium size. short sleeve serge saint-laurent button up. purple, red, blue plaid pattern.

falloween

it's been SO sunny with blue skies and red trees all week!
I had a good time last night at an irish pub with some new friends johnny and elizabeth
i drank too much
but it was ok

you should check out their myspace page:
http://www.myspace.com/johnnyfields

i'm addicted to salsa and hot sauce
dinner timeeee



tangerine dream is so creepy sometimes
i've been listening to the sorcerer soundtrack while biking stoned in the middle of the night
it creeps me OUT

i'm also obsessed with the song "happy" by surface


yeah
things are good

I don't know what to be for halloween
i already feel like my brain is a halloween costume

guitars wailing inside
my heart bursting
and it makes me cry when i'm walking all alone at night

et phone home

civilized

when i see these people playing

i imagine they are very close old friends of my parents

and i'm so proud to see them on the internet

playing their heart out in perfect craftmanship

things that happen occasionally

what the hell

there are expressions that don't make sense to me when i think about them

like:

what the hell

&

don't have a cow man

maybe being surprised/annoyed calls for spontaneous nonsense expressions

jesus mercy feet

holy screwdriver

mercy in the kitchen

bloody turkey thanks

i dunno

blah blah blah

i keep complaining about my job

i think it's hard to work at a starbucks full time when all you do in your spare time is experiment with drugs and never clean your apartment

today was good though.. matt and i actually cleaned up everything while listening synthy aerobics hi-nrg music

it really helps

if you give me your address i'll send you one in about a month

and i swear it'll change your life

just ask kristen

also, don't do E

it makes making lattes all day

VERY DIFFICULT 

milk

this movie looks so amazing

i can't wait to see it

why the tears are rollin down yr face?

customers

sometimes when i work at safeway
i wonder if old people have conversations like this about my outstanding customer service skills

it's time to bring this ship to the shore, and throw away the oars.. FOREVER

omg I LOVE THIS SONG
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jgWABKQpvqA

<3

I saw this record in Value Village and the cover made me so happy I wanted to share it with everyone.
I don't have a record player. Is America a good band? I haven't heard them.

the eighties mentality

i love retrospectives or special features
when you can look behind the scenes of something made when people thought differently about their role, or the role of society.

kids in the eighties were the pioneers, who saw the first frontier of the new millenium. the cyberspace age. how we think being shaped by mediums. channels from mystic places like california and new york. blessing the poor with a will to keep going, and look for signs of magic. but our brains became the bomb shelter.




watch your imagination SOAR

also the birthplace of sci-fi. the imagination. aliens, ghosts, psychokillers, loving aliens, psychic connections--hearing voices of intuition. the sound of a loon, pre-empting something spiritual looming in the dark outside the cottage. the owls of evil. and the light of truth.



the 20th century has been an unusual journey, through wars one generation experiences, and the next doesn't understand and so on.

Movies don't have the role of protector or guide anymore. I wonder if I take what I connected to in movies to things I own like my iPod or my computer. They can become a friend that you know isn't going to judge you. putting you in control of the outcome. freeing up the ability to research through lines of infinite communication.



But still, oh to drop out of that fantasy of knowledge to the real world

a waste land of safety and control. creative possibility is diminished because of the nagging fear of stepping out of line and being noticed. afraid of the powers or the judgement. this fear develops from adolescence, and the miscommunication continues. even though I live in a world so full of wonder, questions, magic and possibility, it stays deep down when i am in public. people in suburbia are just looking to be entertained, but not willing to engage. those who think differently will act differently. subject only to the judgment of ordinary people living ordinary lives. when it is not judgment it feels like redicule. amazed by a figure who is like someone in the movies. there simply to entertain. this is all false, as everyone has an interesting and unique experience. i guess some just share it better than others.



I used to think I could earn my social life being one of these characters. i lost touch with how to be myself around people. and when I would I felt very sad, and wanted to hide away.
the drama of it is amazing. i am not ashamed that i have deep feelings, they help me understand the world better. but i was taught to be ashamed, that it's not comfortable for other people if you act differently or out of line.



makes me feel like a fool looking back. is it healthy to still be afraid of my mistakes even after everything i've been through?

real feelings and experiences are nothing like the movies
but if there was a movie that was in touch with it
society would change

sunshine & work shifts

The sun has been shining lately, and it makes everything feel so good!
I work at the Starbucks in Safeway now. It's this small & old Safeway that doesn't get that busy so I like it.
I answered a craigslist ad for this girl who turned out to be someone I knew and met years ago. Her and I might be moving in together, but I'm not sure.

My mind is really cluttered. I wish I had enough money to go to the doctor and get medication because I can't even focus on things at work sometimes.

If it holds me back that much I think I have serious problems. Like a disability. Fuck I don't know.

Life is crazy

california

If I try not to be an idiot with my money I might be able to save a grand or two to buy this sweet 1980 volkswagen cabriolet (for sale right now actually) and take her on a road trip to california.

I want to do that SOO bad. I think about the redwoods, and the quiet beaches. Anybody want to come? DISTANT FUTURE PLANNING

I signed up for mensa testing this morning. I have been watching the show "freaks and geeks" lately (for the first time) and it has reminded me that in high school I was so isolated and didn't even have a group of friends to hang with or relate to. I think it's time I try to find some fun, intelligent people to just hang out with. I love being around people, but I carry around a lot of bitterness and resentment that I've been so isolated my whole life and have had to pretend to be a different person in most social situations in order to try to work the system. Even around my parents most of the time.

There's a time in my life where I realized I was lying too much, and faking everything. I guess there is something tempting about being in a negative paradigm but it can be so fatal. After a while you get used to a really narrow view of the world and it's possibilities because it can seem so threatening. Then I guess I just woke up after a while and I realized that the world and people aren't that bad.

I guess it's over and now I just have dreams about cool girls with brains that want to ride in my cabriolet.
come on babes
we can listen to my muxtape
reapandsow.muxtape.com

rainbow magic

I found these pictures by the same person on flickr
I think it's the most amazing thing I've ever seen

a parent's relationship with their young child can be so mysterious and full of meaning