Friday, January 30, 2009

american indian signs

mountain range


rain or good harvests


hopi sign for universal brotherhood


several returns or homecomings


rain clouds and good prospects for the future


eye of the medicine man or wisdom and awareness


the four ages of man

Thursday, January 29, 2009

can't stop the fire until it runs its course




four lives remaining

23 x 4 = dead
i'm 1/5 finished my life

being unemployed has helped declutter a lot of my thoughts
i started a prayer journal where i write my thoughts to God
I was flipping through the Psalms this morning. Lots of depth.

things I want to do in the next fifth of my life:

- sing harmonies with africans
- eat food in jamaica
- go to california
- release an album
- have a long lasting relationship/get married
- visit every major american city and take pictures of empty spaces and faces
- develop a heart for serving others and not myself
- learn learn learn

i feel pretty good today. i've been exercising more, and walking more, and stretching more. it feels less like there are 10 small weights on my shoulders, lower back and neck. and i feel less like a little wooden boy.

i want to eat a whole box of:


minestrone soup makes me so happy
bye

Friday, January 23, 2009

Sunday, January 18, 2009

time to go grocery shopping











I think I need to learn how to use a stove.

Thursday, January 1, 2009

dreampower


when ever i have a good dream or thought for the future, it seems to replace a good memory of something that happened before in actuality. I get these fake ideas and real experiences mixed up sometimes when i try to recall the past.
i run on something i call dreampower which is getting excited about imaginings of things to come -- combined with the fufillment of dreams and ideas i had previously.

for example:
when i lived in montreal, sometimes i would wake up one morning, and leave the apartment to take the metro somewhere i'd never been before and then see a giant church and see the doors were open so i would explore. this whole time, anticipating the situation to be something amazing, like in a movie. maybe meeting a whoopi goldberg nun serving coffee at a support group meeting in the basement, where they'd accept me in and i'd meet someone amazing and unique.

dreampower is a good skill to develop, but it's very easy to lose when you realize that your reality is more of the same, the same the same and it becomes discouraging to try and unearth something new in it.
i accepted my situation living in victoria because i had no other choice at the time. because of this = i dont get excited about new things, and i don't have the energy to create constant day to day dreams or aspirations. i stopped believing in the magic of going out and letting things happen and make themselves new
because everyone stays inside, works or socializes in very controlled settings (the club or shows).
where can i go without having to spend money
or pretend like i care about grooming myself so people will think they should respect me more then an ugly person?

seriously though
i'm just worried that i don't really talk to anyone anymore
i've become too anti-social

i don't think about people i thought i cared about anymore
i only think about dreams when i'm happy
and murphy's law when i'm not happy

getting excited about the future is hard, when none of the things i got excited about in the past are working out.