once it's gone, it never comes back

recipe for sick soup

ingredients:
traditional medicinals teas: cold formula, throat coat
lots of ginger
2 or more cloves of garlic
a handful of cilantro
ichiban noodles (or mr. noodles)
curry spice
franks red hot sauce
optional: lemon juice, a splash of jack daniels

boil 2 cups water with 2 tea bags throat coat and 3 cold formula (or to your liking)
let steep on medium heat for 4 - 10 minutes covered
remove tea bags and add lots and lots of garlic and ginger
add broken ichiban noodles and soup base package (optional but tasty) and let soften (generally 3 or 4 minutes on high heat)
add curry spice and cilantro to liking
finish with franks hot sauce and whiskey (to kick your colds ass).

finish with a long rest/bath/anything relaxing

hate being sick
:(

MORE LIKE, THE FITNESS LED AND THE GOURMET FED...

GOOD GOD

SO MUCH BULLSHIT

ALL AROUND ME EVERYWHERE

ENOUGH ALREADY

"SPOILED LITTLE VICTORIA OH HOW WE HATE YOU"
-the rest of canada

i want luke wilson's haircut in this movie

going a bit stir crazy living in victoria. i keep having dreams about new york city. one dream i went there with jen and matthew. i was trying to convince jen to come hang out on bedford ave. with me, but she wanted to go protest pro-abortion in front of the city hall because she had twins. and my brother took a cab to the bronx and hung out with nas and jay-z in a recording studio.

the dream is always weird though... like i'll be driving a really long time in the dark through these windy hills back and forth.. it feels like oregon and there's pine trees. then i have to get out of the car and i listen to the crickets and walk across a parking lot to a train station lit by a single lamp light. the train takes us all to new york city, but we're travelling really high up in the air on these stilts.. like the train tracks are really high up and we weave past the Chrysler building and stuff.

lately i've been really missing montreal. or at least missing the magic feeling i had when i lived there. like every weekend would possess magical encounters with friends, and the days would consist of my cold cheeks walking aimlessly from metro to bus stop to some amazing restaurant. where it doesn't feel like everyone is judging each other like in victoria.
victoria is weird.

there is a real defensive attitude here. people seem really offended and ready to tell you off if you suggest any sort of ill manner or feeling towards living here. like a person's experience couldn't possibly be bad since this place is some God given paradise. like there is some social mechanism keeping people from being too complicated without being totally ignored or cast aside. like high school.

i try to remember that at the heart it's a small town with a mostly intrusive big city veneer. in my opinion the culture here is an illusion or rather like a hologram being projected from some far off other city like vancouver, toronto or the UK. it seems a shame that talented, interesting, self-sufficient individuals only have so much to work with. there is a lot of subtle pressure on individuals to fit in to a mold of "self-sufficient individual" rather then have some coherant sense of themselves. i blame it on the cultural illusion combined with the insular nature of vancouver island. it's like too much information is being shot through a very narrow pipeline. you see a lot of people that look just right and act just right.. but it comes off to me as so so wrong. like people think they are living their life, but they are just a cast member on "The Real World" and they don't even know it.

It's a shame because there are a lot of frustrated, lonely, poor, mentally ill individuals who walk the streets and must be alienated by the hyper-consumer culture of victoria. maybe it just shows up more because it is such a small place. It has certainly affected my mental health. I feel like i'm in a walking dream here. The "culture" here doesn't make sense unless you totally buy into it, or you are used to it and manage to be content with the subtle pressures and rampant hedonistic culture.

You have to be a certain type of person to fit in here. like if you aren't ____ then people kind of don't want to bother with you at all.
maybe i'm over analyzing it.

i like my new job however. but i'm starting to have my doubts and fears about where i'm going with all this. i don't want to end up a lonely guy who sleeps too much and can't socialize.
don't drink and blog...

amazing

love sick

deep wonders concealed
released and slowly revealed
time quietly places bets
the first time we met
quickly changing what is viewed
you who i always knew

wooooooooooooooo

no reason

everything is connected

IT IS

american indian signs

mountain range


rain or good harvests


hopi sign for universal brotherhood


several returns or homecomings


rain clouds and good prospects for the future


eye of the medicine man or wisdom and awareness


the four ages of man

can't stop the fire until it runs its course

four lives remaining

23 x 4 = dead
i'm 1/5 finished my life

being unemployed has helped declutter a lot of my thoughts
i started a prayer journal where i write my thoughts to God
I was flipping through the Psalms this morning. Lots of depth.

things I want to do in the next fifth of my life:

- sing harmonies with africans
- eat food in jamaica
- go to california
- release an album
- have a long lasting relationship/get married
- visit every major american city and take pictures of empty spaces and faces
- develop a heart for serving others and not myself
- learn learn learn

i feel pretty good today. i've been exercising more, and walking more, and stretching more. it feels less like there are 10 small weights on my shoulders, lower back and neck. and i feel less like a little wooden boy.

i want to eat a whole box of:


minestrone soup makes me so happy
bye

anyday anytime

time to go grocery shopping

I think I need to learn how to use a stove.

skip out on your symbolism class

and just enjoy this muchmusic video dance

i need help deciphering nutrition

some things never change

dreampower

when ever i have a good dream or thought for the future, it seems to replace a good memory of something that happened before in actuality. I get these fake ideas and real experiences mixed up sometimes when i try to recall the past.
i run on something i call dreampower which is getting excited about imaginings of things to come -- combined with the fufillment of dreams and ideas i had previously.

for example:
when i lived in montreal, sometimes i would wake up one morning, and leave the apartment to take the metro somewhere i'd never been before and then see a giant church and see the doors were open so i would explore. this whole time, anticipating the situation to be something amazing, like in a movie. maybe meeting a whoopi goldberg nun serving coffee at a support group meeting in the basement, where they'd accept me in and i'd meet someone amazing and unique.

dreampower is a good skill to develop, but it's very easy to lose when you realize that your reality is more of the same, the same the same and it becomes discouraging to try and unearth something new in it.
i accepted my situation living in victoria because i had no other choice at the time. because of this = i dont get excited about new things, and i don't have the energy to create constant day to day dreams or aspirations. i stopped believing in the magic of going out and letting things happen and make themselves new
because everyone stays inside, works or socializes in very controlled settings (the club or shows).
where can i go without having to spend money
or pretend like i care about grooming myself so people will think they should respect me more then an ugly person?

seriously though
i'm just worried that i don't really talk to anyone anymore
i've become too anti-social

i don't think about people i thought i cared about anymore
i only think about dreams when i'm happy
and murphy's law when i'm not happy

getting excited about the future is hard, when none of the things i got excited about in the past are working out.