OHH BABY BABY IT'S A WILD WORLD

gospel

2011-06-04T15:45:00.000-07:00

i've decided to start reading the gospel of john everyday for a week (any maybe more). I like this one because it focuses on Jesus being sent from God as a word. Like he was born to tell a story, born since the beginning. As far as written evidence goes for his time on earth everything he says makes him sound either like a total madman, or the son of God.

His discourse on being "living water" that you will never thirst again if you drink from it is very interesting. It makes me think that beyond all doubt and human knowledge there is a deeper current of living water that I very much wish to understand... that I would more than understand but to take part in.

Again he describes the Kingdom of Heaven. He also talks about the devil as a liar, which I would very much agree with. It is laid out here that Jesus is the way, the truth and the life. For many years, I wanted to be left alone, as if it would be easy to ignore this religiousness of those that try to do good for their own salvation, or on the other hand become rebellious and pragmatic -- to believe that we simply must live our lives and forget about any other Gods or Jesus in the sky to save...

Either way, leave me alone God... I want to do this myself... I will have no part of you, because I'm quite comfortable living a lie... living in my own kingdom to preside over and make my own decisions for.

Good thing there is a third way... JESUS... the man from God, the word from the beginning sent to earth to tell the truth. The ultimate act of love and mercy. Every step of the way, few believed in him, and those that did feared to be public about following him for fear of being killed. This doesn't sound very much like the ubiquitous "popular" church on every corner kind of thing....

I'm just going to keep reading everyday to understand the layers and complexity, and I would encourage you to do so as well

goodnight moon

2011-02-05T17:01:00.000-08:00

spirit come spirit go
like the moon it's hard to hold
once you see it maybe you'll know
but look again, now it's gone

round again round the bend
spirit blowing in the wind

stars

2011-01-31T18:17:00.000-08:00

once it's gone, it never comes back

2009-06-29T23:36:00.001-07:00

recipe for sick soup

2009-05-04T21:43:00.000-07:00

ingredients:
traditional medicinals teas: cold formula, throat coat
lots of ginger
2 or more cloves of garlic
a handful of cilantro
ichiban noodles (or mr. noodles)
curry spice
franks red hot sauce
optional: lemon juice, a splash of jack daniels

boil 2 cups water with 2 tea bags throat coat and 3 cold formula (or to your liking)
let steep on medium heat for 4 - 10 minutes covered
remove tea bags and add lots and lots of garlic and ginger
add broken ichiban noodles and soup base package (optional but tasty) and let soften (generally 3 or 4 minutes on high heat)
add curry spice and cilantro to liking
finish with franks hot sauce and whiskey (to kick your colds ass).

finish with a long rest/bath/anything relaxing

hate being sick
:(

if a double decker bus crashes into us

2009-02-26T22:54:00.000-08:00

should i enter the dating game?
is it safe to date blind?
i'm not ready to give my heart away just yet.

no love interests on the horizon yet
but the sun rises and falls
like any other season

why don't i have a doting yet sassy relative that can set me up with all the good catches?

most serious friendships i've had have been with negative, cynical or self-destructive individuals.

i just want something fun and flirty. like sarah jessica parker in the movie l.a. story.

should i set up a profile and online date?
or should i just try and meet someone like random?

i just want to sit and not have to talk
and trace the lines on her palms
while looking into her eyes

who is she anyway??????

a romance trance
would fit me
like a perfect pair of pants

MORE LIKE, THE FITNESS LED AND THE GOURMET FED...

2009-02-26T22:12:00.000-08:00

GOOD GOD

SO MUCH BULLSHIT

ALL AROUND ME EVERYWHERE

ENOUGH ALREADY

"SPOILED LITTLE VICTORIA OH HOW WE HATE YOU"
-the rest of canada

i want luke wilson's haircut in this movie

2009-02-24T21:03:00.000-08:00

going a bit stir crazy living in victoria. i keep having dreams about new york city. one dream i went there with jen and matthew. i was trying to convince jen to come hang out on bedford ave. with me, but she wanted to go protest pro-abortion in front of the city hall because she had twins. and my brother took a cab to the bronx and hung out with nas and jay-z in a recording studio.

the dream is always weird though... like i'll be driving a really long time in the dark through these windy hills back and forth.. it feels like oregon and there's pine trees. then i have to get out of the car and i listen to the crickets and walk across a parking lot to a train station lit by a single lamp light. the train takes us all to new york city, but we're travelling really high up in the air on these stilts.. like the train tracks are really high up and we weave past the Chrysler building and stuff.

lately i've been really missing montreal. or at least missing the magic feeling i had when i lived there. like every weekend would possess magical encounters with friends, and the days would consist of my cold cheeks walking aimlessly from metro to bus stop to some amazing restaurant. where it doesn't feel like everyone is judging each other like in victoria.
victoria is weird.

there is a real defensive attitude here. people seem really offended and ready to tell you off if you suggest any sort of ill manner or feeling towards living here. like a person's experience couldn't possibly be bad since this place is some God given paradise. like there is some social mechanism keeping people from being too complicated without being totally ignored or cast aside. like high school.

i try to remember that at the heart it's a small town with a mostly intrusive big city veneer. in my opinion the culture here is an illusion or rather like a hologram being projected from some far off other city like vancouver, toronto or the UK. it seems a shame that talented, interesting, self-sufficient individuals only have so much to work with. there is a lot of subtle pressure on individuals to fit in to a mold of "self-sufficient individual" rather then have some coherant sense of themselves. i blame it on the cultural illusion combined with the insular nature of vancouver island. it's like too much information is being shot through a very narrow pipeline. you see a lot of people that look just right and act just right.. but it comes off to me as so so wrong. like people think they are living their life, but they are just a cast member on "The Real World" and they don't even know it.

It's a shame because there are a lot of frustrated, lonely, poor, mentally ill individuals who walk the streets and must be alienated by the hyper-consumer culture of victoria. maybe it just shows up more because it is such a small place. It has certainly affected my mental health. I feel like i'm in a walking dream here. The "culture" here doesn't make sense unless you totally buy into it, or you are used to it and manage to be content with the subtle pressures and rampant hedonistic culture.

You have to be a certain type of person to fit in here. like if you aren't ____ then people kind of don't want to bother with you at all.
maybe i'm over analyzing it.

i like my new job however. but i'm starting to have my doubts and fears about where i'm going with all this. i don't want to end up a lonely guy who sleeps too much and can't socialize.
don't drink and blog...

amazing

2009-02-21T20:55:00.001-08:00

love sick

2009-02-18T22:50:00.000-08:00

deep wonders concealed
released and slowly revealed
time quietly places bets
the first time we met
quickly changing what is viewed
you who i always knew

wooooooooooooooo

2009-02-17T17:02:00.000-08:00

no reason

everything is connected

2009-02-03T21:00:00.000-08:00

IT IS

deep dark woods: an audio poem

2009-01-31T21:10:00.000-08:00

american indian signs

2009-01-30T16:09:00.000-08:00

mountain range

rain or good harvests

hopi sign for universal brotherhood

several returns or homecomings

rain clouds and good prospects for the future

eye of the medicine man or wisdom and awareness

the four ages of man

can't stop the fire until it runs its course

2009-01-29T17:47:00.000-08:00

four lives remaining

2009-01-29T14:52:00.000-08:00

23 x 4 = dead
i'm 1/5 finished my life

being unemployed has helped declutter a lot of my thoughts
i started a prayer journal where i write my thoughts to God
I was flipping through the Psalms this morning. Lots of depth.

things I want to do in the next fifth of my life:

- sing harmonies with africans
- eat food in jamaica
- go to california
- release an album
- have a long lasting relationship/get married
- visit every major american city and take pictures of empty spaces and faces
- develop a heart for serving others and not myself
- learn learn learn

i feel pretty good today. i've been exercising more, and walking more, and stretching more. it feels less like there are 10 small weights on my shoulders, lower back and neck. and i feel less like a little wooden boy.

i want to eat a whole box of:

minestrone soup makes me so happy
bye

anyday anytime

2009-01-23T15:14:00.000-08:00

time to go grocery shopping

2009-01-18T13:46:00.000-08:00

I think I need to learn how to use a stove.

skip out on your symbolism class

2009-01-13T22:33:00.000-08:00

and just enjoy this muchmusic video dance

i need help deciphering nutrition

2009-01-13T22:30:00.000-08:00

some things never change

2009-01-03T18:06:00.001-08:00

dreampower

2009-01-01T22:27:00.001-08:00

when ever i have a good dream or thought for the future, it seems to replace a good memory of something that happened before in actuality. I get these fake ideas and real experiences mixed up sometimes when i try to recall the past.
i run on something i call dreampower which is getting excited about imaginings of things to come -- combined with the fufillment of dreams and ideas i had previously.

for example:
when i lived in montreal, sometimes i would wake up one morning, and leave the apartment to take the metro somewhere i'd never been before and then see a giant church and see the doors were open so i would explore. this whole time, anticipating the situation to be something amazing, like in a movie. maybe meeting a whoopi goldberg nun christian servant serving coffee at a support group meeting in the basement, where they'd accept me in and i'd meet someone amazing and unique to spend the rest of my life with.

dreampower is a good skill to develop, but it's very easy to lose when you realize that your reality is more of the same, the same the same and it becomes discouraging to try and unearth something new in it.
i accepted my situation living in victoria because i had no other choice at the time. because of this = i dont get excited about new things, and i don't have the energy to create constant day to day dreams or aspirations. i stopped believing in the magic of going out and letting things happen and make themselves new
because everyone stays inside, works or socializes in very controlled settings (the club or shows).
where can i go without having to spend money
or pretend like i care about grooming myself so people will think they should respect me more then an ugly person?

seriously though
i'm just worried that i don't really talk to anyone anymore
i've become too anti-social

i don't think about people i thought i cared about anymore
i only think about dreams when i'm happy
and murphy's law when i'm not happy

getting excited about the future is hard, when none of the things i got excited about in the past are working out.

so many tears

2008-12-16T23:10:00.000-08:00

we all have our faults

2008-12-10T18:17:00.000-08:00

i want to destroy them

hilarious

2008-12-07T14:06:00.000-08:00

ahhh what a sunday of such clarity

a very meow-orable time in my life

2008-12-02T19:38:00.000-08:00

i found this in my old computer files.

in 2003 i was in the halifax paper. i was first in line for cats the musical.
back then i was still a pretty sheltered closet gay christian kid. high school was pretty fun those days. i remember really looking forward to seeing cats in halifax. i skipped class half-way through the afternoon to take the bus over there and be in line. i got there too early and i think I got tim hortons on barrington st.
man so lame

i made a new painting

from a to zinc

2008-12-02T17:53:00.000-08:00

just starting taking centrum COMPLETE COVERAGE every day
i'm covered with my vitamins. I don't know how healthy this is.
For a while I was eating a spartan apple, bolthouse farms smoothie, some sort of health protien bar, and hard boiled eggs. plus some sort of deli sandwich.
i wasn't drinking enough water.
because when i'd come home my muscles were so tense and sore it was like i was 70 years old trying to lift myself out of a chair or something... SERIOUSLY. this really worries me.
it still is a bit of a problem.. I have hardly any flexibility. maybe it's because I lost so much weight in such a short time & in such an unhealthy way (not eating).

anyway, not being able to move properly or walk without limping was scaring me because I don't have health care yet, and there are no doctors in victoria. plus having to work everyday and commute to suburbia to serve coffee to rich mommies wasn't helping.

how is someone supposed to make friends if they can't walk properly or get into a car without wincing etc etc etc
not very easy to laugh at myself
locked inside my head for a while

i'm glad this is clearing up
i guess i just needed to eat more of something because i felt all withered and dried up

i wanted to go to the gym for a while
i spend a lot of my day people watching and there are so many attractive fitnessy/jock uvic boys running around safeway laughing carefree with their friends
while i go home on the bus walking home limping shivering back to my apartment to sleep on a springy hard mattress that i can hardly get up out of in the morning.

at least i'm getting enough sleep
and i stopped smoking
and i don't feel like my head is a big weight of lead
and i don't grind my teeth nervously as much

learn to let go of yourself
the nag that tells you to keep believing negativity
for any reason

and try to love people
everyone wants to be loved

mysteries of life

2008-11-24T14:26:00.001-08:00

here's some old photos I found while browsing my flickr site.

NEARandFARCLOSERtogether

2008-11-22T20:47:00.000-08:00

music from the 90s really speaks to me. When life was hard and you just had to write a confessional honest pop song about it. If I had a TV I could just turn on MusicMoreMusic, but I don't have it. DAMMMN. Here's some of my favorites!!!!!!

I LOVE U ALWAYS FOREVER

LIKE THE DESERTS MISS THE RAIN

I WANT SOMETHING ELSE TO GET ME THROUGH THIS

MY MONEYS RIDING ON THIS DARK HORSE BABY

I RECOMMEND GETTING YR <3 TRAMPLED ON BY ANYONE

U WERE FASHIONABLY SENSITIVE BUT TOO COOL TO CARE

homey

2008-11-17T21:23:00.000-08:00

Home of Joe & Natalie Bailey. 123 Hancock St., Bedford-Stuyvesant, Brooklyn. February 18, 1978.

nothing going on

2008-11-14T19:38:00.000-08:00

only one option
work steady
sleep too much
try to be happy

all i need is a miracle

anyone want some clothes???

2008-11-01T16:29:00.000-07:00

i don't want to throw them in the garbage
they need a good home

they have all been thrifted in either vernon or victoria in british columbia. or in montreal.
most of them are sized small.
i'll want to give them away/sell them for whatever you want to give me

if you want more info about it email me sudden (dot) organ (at) gmail (dot) com.

grey cable knit collared sweater bought at a church garage sale. it has a small pocket.

bright red 90s "northern reflections" t-shirt. size small. blue and white graphic of mother duck and her ducklings.

totally insane early 90s tourist florida vacation shirt. tie-dyed palm leaf patterns. purple with various neon colors. unusually large knit collar.

80s black AIR Nike shirt. size small.

light blue t-shirt with repeating dog graphics. for a dog show in washington feat. text in helvetica (?)

turquoise/teal ralph lauren polo with colored ralph lauren decal (as opposed to just a plain black one)

80s heather grey sweatshirt. plain no logos. probably womens. sized VERY small.

90s white club monaco sweatshirt. snazzy v-stitching at neck. small black club monaco logo. will remind you of your older sister in the 90s for sure.

VERY x-small dark blue knit sweater with rainbow graphic.

small black members only jacket. nylon. zipper is broken. (WHO NEEDS ONE WHEN YOU CAN LOOK THIS COOL CIRCA 2004)

medium size. short sleeve serge saint-laurent button up. purple, red, blue plaid pattern.

falloween

2008-10-27T18:43:00.000-07:00

it's been SO sunny with blue skies and red trees all week!
I had a good time last night at an irish pub with some new friends johnny and elizabeth
i drank too much
but it was ok

you should check out their myspace page:
http://www.myspace.com/johnnyfields

i'm addicted to salsa and hot sauce
dinner timeeee

tangerine dream is so creepy sometimes
i've been listening to the sorcerer soundtrack while biking stoned in the middle of the night
it creeps me OUT

i'm also obsessed with the song "happy" by surface

yeah
things are good

I don't know what to be for halloween
i already feel like my brain is a halloween costume

guitars wailing inside
my heart bursting
and it makes me cry when i'm walking all alone at night

et phone home

civilized

2008-10-18T19:15:00.000-07:00

when i see these people playing

i imagine they are very close old friends of my parents

and i'm so proud to see them on the internet

playing their heart out in perfect craftmanship

things that happen occasionally

2008-10-14T22:52:00.000-07:00

what the hell

2008-10-14T22:45:00.000-07:00

there are expressions that don't make sense to me when i think about them

like:

what the hell

don't have a cow man

maybe being surprised/annoyed calls for spontaneous nonsense expressions

jesus mercy feet

holy screwdriver

mercy in the kitchen

bloody turkey thanks

i dunno

blah blah blah

i keep complaining about my job

i think it's hard to work at a starbucks full time when all you do in your spare time is experiment with drugs and never clean your apartment

today was good though.. matt and i actually cleaned up everything while listening synthy aerobics hi-nrg music

it really helps

if you give me your address i'll send you one in about a month

and i swear it'll change your life

just ask kristen

also, don't do E

it makes making lattes all day

VERY DIFFICULT

milk

2008-09-30T16:10:00.001-07:00

this movie looks so amazing

i can't wait to see it

why the tears are rollin down yr face?

2008-09-06T22:01:00.000-07:00

customers

2008-08-25T23:01:00.000-07:00

sometimes when i work at safeway
i wonder if old people have conversations like this about my outstanding customer service skills

it's time to bring this ship to the shore, and throw away the oars.. FOREVER

2008-08-25T20:30:00.001-07:00

omg I LOVE THIS SONG
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jgWABKQpvqA

<3

2008-08-25T18:53:00.000-07:00

I saw this record in Value Village and the cover made me so happy I wanted to share it with everyone.
I don't have a record player. Is America a good band? I haven't heard them.

the eighties mentality

2008-08-24T18:15:00.000-07:00

i love retrospectives or special features
when you can look behind the scenes of something made when people thought differently about their role, or the role of society.

kids in the eighties were the pioneers, who saw the first frontier of the new millenium. the cyberspace age. how we think being shaped by mediums. channels from mystic places like california and new york. blessing the poor with a will to keep going, and look for signs of magic. but our brains became the bomb shelter.

watch your imagination SOAR

also the birthplace of sci-fi. the imagination. aliens, ghosts, psychokillers, loving aliens, psychic connections--hearing voices of intuition. the sound of a loon, pre-empting something spiritual looming in the dark outside the cottage. the owls of evil. and the light of truth.

the 20th century has been an unusual journey, through wars one generation experiences, and the next doesn't understand and so on.

Movies don't have the role of protector or guide anymore. I wonder if I take what I connected to in movies to things I own like my iPod or my computer. They can become a friend that you know isn't going to judge you. putting you in control of the outcome. freeing up the ability to research through lines of infinite communication.

But still, oh to drop out of that fantasy of knowledge to the real world

a waste land of safety and control. creative possibility is diminished because of the nagging fear of stepping out of line and being noticed. afraid of the powers or the judgement. this fear develops from adolescence, and the miscommunication continues. even though I live in a world so full of wonder, questions, magic and possibility, it stays deep down when i am in public. people in suburbia are just looking to be entertained, but not willing to engage. those who think differently will act differently. subject only to the judgment of ordinary people living ordinary lives. when it is not judgment it feels like redicule. amazed by a figure who is like someone in the movies. there simply to entertain. this is all false, as everyone has an interesting and unique experience. i guess some just share it better than others.

I used to think I could earn my social life being one of these characters. i lost touch with how to be myself around people. and when I would I felt very sad, and wanted to hide away.
the drama of it is amazing. i am not ashamed that i have deep feelings, they help me understand the world better. but i was taught to be ashamed, that it's not comfortable for other people if you act differently or out of line.

makes me feel like a fool looking back. is it healthy to still be afraid of my mistakes even after everything i've been through?

real feelings and experiences are nothing like the movies
but if there was a movie that was in touch with it
society would change

sunshine & work shifts

2008-08-14T17:02:00.001-07:00

The sun has been shining lately, and it makes everything feel so good!
I work at the Starbucks in Safeway now. It's this small & old Safeway that doesn't get that busy so I like it.
I answered a craigslist ad for this girl who turned out to be someone I knew and met years ago. Her and I might be moving in together, but I'm not sure.

My mind is really cluttered. I wish I had enough money to go to the doctor and get medication because I can't even focus on things at work sometimes.

If it holds me back that much I think I have serious problems. Like a disability. Fuck I don't know.

Life is crazy

california

2008-08-08T09:42:00.000-07:00

If I try not to be an idiot with my money I might be able to save a grand or two to buy this sweet 1980 volkswagen cabriolet (for sale right now actually) and take her on a road trip to california.

I want to do that SOO bad. I think about the redwoods, and the quiet beaches. Anybody want to come? DISTANT FUTURE PLANNING

I signed up for mensa testing this morning. I have been watching the show "freaks and geeks" lately (for the first time) and it has reminded me that in high school I was so isolated and didn't even have a group of friends to hang with or relate to. I think it's time I try to find some fun, intelligent people to just hang out with. I love being around people, but I carry around a lot of bitterness and resentment that I've been so isolated my whole life and have had to pretend to be a different person in most social situations in order to try to work the system. Even around my parents most of the time.

There's a time in my life where I realized I was lying too much, and faking everything. I guess there is something tempting about being in a negative paradigm but it can be so fatal. After a while you get used to a really narrow view of the world and it's possibilities because it can seem so threatening. Then I guess I just woke up after a while and I realized that the world and people aren't that bad.

I guess it's over and now I just have dreams about cool girls with brains that want to ride in my cabriolet.
come on babes
we can listen to my muxtape
reapandsow.muxtape.com

rainbow magic

2008-08-06T09:44:00.000-07:00

I found these pictures by the same person on flickr
I think it's the most amazing thing I've ever seen

a parent's relationship with their young child can be so mysterious and full of meaning

cat pictures

2008-08-06T01:03:00.000-07:00

in other news,
there's a cat that keeps coming to our deck window.
i don't like petting it too much without washing my hands after because it is full of scaly white dandruff and it really grosses me out.

it's a stray cat that according to our landlord has been coming around the house for a long time.

however, the cat is totally cute and wants attention so bad.

matt and I gave him milk and food so he'll be coming back again forever.

we named it eli

all night long (all night)

2008-08-06T00:48:00.000-07:00

Uhhhhh.. my laptop is working again. It stopped giving power when something happened to the power adapter cord and I think I fixed it.

I want money. Victoria is OK but I am so bored and I need attention. I went to lambrick park church for 5 minutes and left before the service started. while I was sitting by myself this 30-year-old looking guy walked out of "the prayer room" (there was an actual sign beside the room) and starting talking to me in a really exaggerated "caring", direct & possessive tone of voice and (seriously) had one foot on the edge of my chair. I think he had a goatee, or was balding but I would've barfed if I looked at his face. Questions he asked:
-who are you
-why are you here
-is this your first time
-are you from around here
-soo.. what are you about.. like what is your ultimate dream

after lying a lot, i kind of told him that I just wanted to sit here and politely told him these questions were none of his business. He just left and went to go talk to a group of smugly secure suburban teenage boys.

i had just finished text emailing an email to a friend, and the whole situation was really weird.

so yeah, i left and then went home and watched Hook and then got high and thought about my life and kind of moaned and got irritated about everything.

apparently there is a liquor store trailer near cook st. market that sells $7 bottles of wine (red and white). Hoooooly.

I might have got another job at safeway. I biked about 25 Kms to Sidney and rolled smokes while looking at the ocean. Then I got a call from Brittney from Safeway and she asked for my Social Insurance Number which I think I got wrong. She's going to forward it to Human Resources. I asked her if "this means I got the job" and she was like "well... we're interested in you. We just need to confirm a few things."

I have been relying on Matt who owes me money to basically get by, but I guess it's another fun adventure being broke and realizing how fruggle money spending is.

Ohh man.. First paycheck I'll get my pictures from the wedding developed and then I'll buy a bottle of wine and drink it in the park. I'll take pictures...

Victoria is cool right? I mostly feel trapped by the fact that I have to pay to get off the island. I seem to be surrounded by people that are "into" really conventionally middle of the road alternative lifestyles.. like being in a reggae band or being in ridiculously great shape.

I miss being ruthlessly east coast

epic bike ride

2008-08-01T17:37:00.000-07:00

A few days ago I went to Colwood to buy a $300 CCM fixed gear bike for $65. UsedVictoria.com = amazing.

Today, Matthew (my brother) and I biked downtown to go to the library. We got in a bit of a fight because I can be a total asshole to him sometimes. He parted ways from me, which was totally fair.

I spent time at the library, read a few magazines and then embarked on this unplanned bike trip:
http://maps.google.com/maps?f=d&saddr=Southgate+St+%4048.417550,+-123.362530&daddr=Heywood+Way+%4048.412155,+-123.361103+to:Dallas+Rd+%4048.407068,+-123.348077+to:Hollywood+Crescent+%4048.409093,+-123.330197+to:King+George+Terrace+%4048.409084,+-123.318362+to:Beach+Dr+%4048.412563,+-123.308147+to:48.462706,-123.297544+to:Juniper+Pl+%4048.493520,+-123.326030&hl=en&geocode=1731158819420382868,48.417550,-123.362530%3B398015106463711088,48.412155,-123.361103%3B15841534981158863702,48.407068,-123.348077%3B12274409073417681212,48.409093,-123.330197%3B1208252022984816949,48.409084,-123.318362%3B3241049870219359165,48.412563,-123.308147%3B880093293559864686,48.493520,-123.326030&mra=dpe&mrcr=0&mrsp=6&sz=15&via=1,2,3,4,5,6&sll=48.461966,-123.297544&sspn=0.013603,0.027637&ie=UTF8&ll=48.488425,-123.322649&spn=0.013596,0.027637&t=h&z=15
If anything, I'm happy to have moved here so I can park my bike down a hidden path that leads down to a semi-private public beach with a view of a lighthouse.

Feels very good on my soul

Tell me everything good or bad about your life

sometimes this is all you need

2008-07-29T16:28:00.000-07:00

spending some rainy hours listening to "take me to the mardi gras" and "give me the night" on repeat & then making my new favorite creation: the peanut butter & apple tortilla wrap. holy. crap.

most amazing/easy snack of my life
seriously make. it. right. now.

by the way.. good lord all I want is a portable tape player with speakers that has an input so I can play my ipod portably as well as my tape collection.

value village only seems to frequently carry used electronics dating past the mid to late 90s.. and all of that stuff is pretty much crap. I don't want to shell out $100 to buy a sweet deck. :(

I want to get stoned in the park and listen to my ipod/tapes/whatever

I wish VICTORIA had one of these:

middle of the road

2008-07-28T17:53:00.001-07:00

k, so my blog is so boring...

i went to a wedding on the weekend in abbotsford. self-rightous whory overcrowded place christians vs. punjabis

fight to the YAWN

I got stoned with Dale's cousins, because I knew my way to the liquor store. I wish I took pictures. My head told me I couldn't because they were probably not going to be cool with it and would think I was weird. we found a quiet spot in a back alley and sat on the steps of an apartment building.

i also spent time with a wonderful friend from montreal. he is wonderful because he let me stay the night several times and we had good conversations.

every time I go to church or a wedding I realize how much it tries to suck people in emotionally in order to manipulate them into something.. it's like this forced distant obligation of the leaders to organize it. It reminds me of television producers or something.. and then afterwards just talking to people face to face is so awkward because I don't know if I should judge them or if they are judging me.

Actually I'm letting go of this a lot and trying to focus in on what is good for me, rather then what I want or what I can react to.

i don't knowwwwwwwwwwww
christians in these parts are just a club of people that help each other and I like that sometimes, but it makes me feel bad that I want to do whatever I want sometimes. but I feel guilty because being selfish has made me so unhappy...

i look at people that are OK and accept their limitations and I really want that.

holy shit fucked up uhghhhghhghhg

victoria

2008-07-23T10:34:00.000-07:00

so far the new move to victoria has been a blessed adventure. I had a painting job for two days that I quit because I had to travel 3 hours to get to the work site, and my boss wouldn't drive me and made me take the bus. So now I'm working in a coffee shop, although I haven't started yet and I'm a little nervous.

I haven't made any friends yet, but it's given me the chance to just watch movies and explore downtown and all of that.

I am really hoping I find someone I can be in a relationship with. I have open eyes and an open heart even if it might get broken... I have never been in a relationship before with anyone, nor have I done anything sexually. I've been a shy boy, living in the library of my mind.

I took this picture yesterday morning of the view from my backyard. I live on a bluff that overlooks the ocean.

old meets new

2008-06-17T19:37:00.000-07:00

LOLing so hard

production values

2008-06-14T00:56:00.000-07:00

self-interest based culture is so fucked up
diamonds for breakfast

play these at the same time for fucked up nightmares

the world is your ashtray

2008-06-09T13:29:00.000-07:00

"...I seek that essential region of the soul where absolute evil confronts brotherhood" - William Styron (I think).

My parents broke it to the church that they are leaving Canada to work in South America. The way this started is my dad bought property in Roatan, an island off the northern coast of Honduras in the Carribean.

In some ways, coming home to sort out everything has been one of the best, but also the darkest times of my life. There are a lot of reasons for that. Mainly, it has forced confrontation of formally petty issues in our family, that are actually tearing us a part. On the good side, it seems like we are all growing and learning how to change.

All this change leaves me haggard. To escape the judgement and anxiety of my parents, I join my brother and his friends for dope smoking sessions that have in some ways helped me restore my self-esteem. I've observed that social respect in Vernon, British Columbia comes from not caring about what anyone else thinks or values and putting all your energy into some sort of activity (boarding, beach, video games, Iron Maiden).

Since my parents broke the news about leaving, the church decided to pay for a pastorial retreat on Keats Island north of Vancouver. They left this morning at 7am. When I woke up this morning the first thing I thought was that I should get high as early as possible and wander around downtown until I have to go to work at 2pm. Instead, with Matthew at school I took the car and bought Canadian Marlboro's at Charlie's Grocery and then headed to the coffee shop downtown. A 40-something man hiding behind wrap-around sunglasses was listening to classic rock on his cell phone on the patio where you are allowed to smoke. I asked him where the music was coming from (which was "Sunshine of your Life" by Cream) and his showed me his cell phone. He justified it by explaining he was a DJ and he likes to listen to his choice of music. His powers of observation led him to make a more "esoteric" choice for the next song and said he'd buy me a coffee if I could guess the CanCon band. "They are from Winnipeg" he said. I guessed the Weakerthans and he was surprised. He didn't buy me a coffee, but he did move to my table and ask me a bunch of questions. It was pretty annoying.

When we said our goodbyes, I headed over to the used book store and bought Sophie's Choice which I've been meaning to read for a while.

making it up as i go along

2008-05-29T23:15:00.000-07:00

can you handle it?
can I handle it?
f-ing baked

chemical bros

2008-05-26T19:07:00.000-07:00

i remember 7 years ago
when i would listen to chemical brothers
and be in love with how it sounded
and have no idea who influenced them or where they fit

HMV was the music source
in the mall
and I would listen in the listen stations
to beastie boys, chemical brothers & radiohead
happily\\\\\\

music doesn't touch my soul like it used to

to win sometimes you have to lose

2008-05-23T15:15:00.000-07:00

anti-fomo

2008-05-19T22:29:00.001-07:00

i spent the evening just chillin on my laptop after a day of helping my dad move garbage and junk to the landfill. it resulted in a laid back summer mix (as requested by kieran & alysha initially) for anyone who wants it:

http://rapidshare.com/files/116335765/summer_mix.zip.html

i looked into joining a canadian version of the peace corps but i don't think it'll work out...

more to come

mix tape

2008-05-17T18:36:00.000-07:00

for a simple summer night

the english beat - save it for later
peter gabriel - mercy street
galaxie 500 - isn't it a pity
linda ronstadt - you're no good
todd rundgren - hello it's me
glen campbell - rhinestone cowboy
richard & linda thompson - has he got a friend for me

crystal vision

2008-05-14T23:07:00.000-07:00

i keep my visions to myself

time to grow

2008-05-13T17:07:00.000-07:00

pansies are in bloom this summer

microworlds

2008-05-13T12:52:00.001-07:00

I am feeling better today. I have plans to get better connected with the cultural elite of Vernon and make my mark on this town.

Could someone please buy for me every back issue of Omni Magazine on eBay?

weird penticton

2008-05-12T22:38:00.000-07:00

I feel so lonely and strange about downtown Penticton. To me, it is walking in dark & failed dreams. How do you learn to survive that without just going to the bottle?

This is still depressing me after 3 days...

This failure of meaning seems to bleed in through most of British Columbia spilling out on the streets, on peoples faces, on the way they dress themselves. Hope for a better life, filled with sun and fun but regret and disappointment seems to linger everywhere you go.

pas de deux

2008-05-12T22:08:00.001-07:00

I have a tendency to dwell. It is peaceful when it is mindful and honest. However, my mind acts itself out--dwelling in succession--like a series of transportation transfers without any clear destination. Thinking about dreams, guilt, natures, satisfaction.

I found great pleasure tonight in washing my face. I took the time to lather my hands, turning off the tap so I could listen to the sound it made. Then I rubbed the blackish grey of the coal/licorice soap on my face, continually rubbing for minutes, trying to dwell on my skin pores, in their simplicity. I then put the hair dryer on cold setting and closed my eyes, drying my skin for at least one minute imagining I was at the ocean or driving in a car.

I have been snacking today on grapes, in bunches. I cut them in half with my tongue and then squeeze out the inner part with my fingers gently, eat that and then eat the skin.

I have a weird way of eating everything. When I eat Jelly Beans I scrape the coating off with my teeth all the way around and then suck the rest of the sugar coating off until it's completely clear, then I look at the jelly bean and eat it. I like to know that it's always just clear jelly, and the particular coating & color is just a factory made coincidence.

I like to wash my feet with Clean & Clear facial cleanser before I go to the bed sometimes. The scrubbing bubbles feel so amazing!

To dwell is to dwell forever, but to consider and learn is to understand.

PRECIOUS JEWELS

2008-05-10T07:56:00.000-07:00

Don't you love it when you wake up in the morning and all you can see out the window is white/grey sky? It makes me think about a new day that is fresh and pure and possibly overcast, which can be nice.

I just watched the "College" episode of the Sopranos last night. I started on the 1st Season and it's really amazing!!

I start my new job at Safeway today working in the Gas Station. Free coffee and maybe book reading? We'll see...

Going to Pentiction with my mom to check out a Caribbean restaurant (THE ONLY IN THE OKANAGAN).
OMG look at this food:

We might visit my Grandmother's grave and put flowers on it for mother's day. I don't know if she had many precious jewels, but she had a luminating smile and a good sense of humor.

Works for me!

My mom made this in memory of her when she died a few years ago:

radio radiations

2008-05-09T15:19:00.000-07:00

I heard "That's what takes me higher" by Sonique on the store radio at a local grocery store called Polson A Foods in this little strip mall and it pretty much made my life.

I went to Davidson Orchards today and had apple crumble pie and coffee with my mom. It was like Twin Peaks except I have a bit of a sunburn now.

It's time to watch 3 or 4 more episodes of the Sopranos!

in your eyes the light the heat in your eyes

2008-05-08T11:35:00.000-07:00

being in love would be nice
admiration and love
peace
in general

neighbours in the sun

2008-05-07T13:56:00.001-07:00

what are your favorite things?
have you taken a trip to the grand canyon? and do you have family in flagstaff? did you just recently start to eat organic? do you dream of a romantic getaway in paris? is your father a farmer with a love for goats? what do you think about iron maiden? is your freezer full of steaks?

i am thinking about things so much. there are so many things to share that are funny and interesting, but they are like weird dreams that are difficult to explain.

i like to drive around with my brother and listen to The Game & M.I.A. Black Wall street sounds so scary. If your stock plummets so does your crew and everyone u knew. BANG BANG. ALL I WANNA DO IS bang bang bang bang AND TAKE YOUR MONEY. Cartoon violence.

I am just a sillouette most of the time in the passenger seat

Do you ever think about what it would be like to be someone else. To see with their eyes and experience life in their body? Would it be weird since you know what it's like to see them from the outside? I can't visualize myself from the outside too much, but I'm working on it. I just look at old pictures of myself from 3 or 4 years ago and know that I've changed a lot, and pretend like that person is a stranger and what it must have felt like for other people to have interacted with me at that time.

I dreamt that re-occurring dream where I'm in a strange city on the subway and it breaks down, and I have a lot of baggage. I get chased down by these mysterious people who are trying to kill me for some reason. When I smash the subway window to get outside it's like I'm in a big purpleish cave with lots of mushrooms. I have a use a gun and a metal beam to rip the wall open to get outside. When I do I'm in a field of wheat just before sundown and I have to run really fast through the field to this barn in the distance and I'm still being chased by these evil creatures. They are really crafty but out of shape. I get to the barn and realize I'm in the African savanna or something and then I wake up.

books groceries blue sky

2008-05-07T11:42:00.000-07:00

On overcast days like today my two favorite things are making oatmeal and covering it with saran wrap to watch the moisture condense

and wearing plaid

I might have to spend another hour at BJ's Used Books down the highway to try to find a book to read for the summer. I've been reading Hermann Hesse and Raymond Carver and that's been filling the gap pretty well.

I worked one shift at Safeway and it was STRESSFUL. About half-way through I gave up paying attention to the details I was supposed to memorize because I decided I wanted to work in another department. My manager called yesterday to set up more shifts and I told her I couldn't work in the Deli because it was too much multi-tasking (seriously it is). She said that's ok and it's not for everyone. I don't know if this was a stupid move? Work is work I guess... I don't have a very good work ethic.

Tasks today include: maybe finishing watching Mrs. Doubtfire, taking a nap, callling my manager to see if there is work in another department and buying some brown rice and a case of Blue Sky from the health food store downtown.